December 11, 2003
A heart-warming Christmas story
'tis the season of heart-warming stories and Christmas-funnies in the Inbox:
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the sick elves. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was going to come and visit. This obviously stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found out that three of them were about to give birth (go on Rudolph!!!) and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then he began to load his sleigh, when one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the floor and scattered the toys everywhere.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of tea and a shot of sherry. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk all his liquor and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration, he dropped his tea pot and it shattered into a million pieces and all over the kitchen floor. He got his broom to sweep all the bits up only to find that mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door to see a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, in a sweet little voice, "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
And just for completeness, there is an alternative legend here, as well as some more jokes:
It had been a totally miserable December at the North Pole, the elves had been on strike, Santa had the flu, Mrs.Clause was at her wits end, there were only three days till X-mas Eve and only half the orders from all the good little boys and girls had been filled. In short; it was doubtful that Santa was going to be able to make his annual flight around the world. God called Santa and asked if it would be alright if he sent some angels to help out. Santa, overwhelmed at the offer accepted with gushing gratitude! Over a thousand angels arrived the next morning and Santa sent them to help out on the assembly line. That is all but one little angel who was too short to reach the tables and belts. Santa hadn't notice the problem until the little angel tugged on his coat tails and asked what he could do. "Go see Mrs.Clause" he said, and off went our little guy humming some secularly approved tune. About an hour later Santa felt another tug and looking down saw our little angel smiling up at him. "Sir, Mrs.Clause said she just didn't have anything else for me to do and sent me back to ask you", he said. "Well", said Santa, why don't you go feed and brush the reindeer? Rudolph always likes to be brushed and the lord knows I've not had the time lately." ZOOM.... off our little guy streaked. Half an hour later he's back tugging at Santa Claus' coat tails again. "Sir, I don't think Rudolph likes me too much. Is there something else I can do?" "Yea, kid" says Santa, "go find a nice tree for the living room." It took about three hours (not too many X-mas tree lots at the NP) but the angel was back, dragging this 9 foot tree behind him. "Santa! Oh Santa! YooHoo Santa! What do you want me to do with the tree?" cried our little angel. Santa, at the end of his rope screamed, "Why don't you try to stuff it up your ass you little pest!" And, my friends, this is where the custom of putting an angel on top of the tree came from.
A traveller crossing Europe was doing splendidly till he reached the Bavarian Express. All through the wintry night, a gang of German Teddy Boys rampaged up and down the corridor, raising hell and annoying the passengers. The biggest and meanest was a kid named Rudolf, whom even the others could barely control.
The weary traveller went to the buffet and bought a sandwich and a four-pack of ale. When he got back to his carriage the Teds had settled there. Oddly, they seemed to take a shine to him and talked to him of football and continental travel. Rudolf sat by the traveller and smiled contentedly. The traveller split his drinks and passed them round. Rudolf immediately kicked off and started smashing windows, kicking the conductor and so on. Sadly one of his mates turned to the traveller. "You fool," he said "Don't you even know that Rudolf the Ted loathes train beer?"
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