///andersja's joke archive///

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The Three Executive Envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

andersja 6/7/2002 12:05:16 PM

12 Tips From Workforce to Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.

5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

andersja 6/7/2002 11:56:35 AM

Unusual Math

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so
he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

andersja 6/7/2002 11:53:27 AM

Traffic School...

Cool Flash movie explanining ...uh... "traffic rules"... ;-)
http://users.pandora.be/mansie/rijschool.swf

andersja 6/6/2002 05:53:32 PM

Engineers and managers

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am. But how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

andersja 6/6/2002 04:08:25 PM

Indenture

www.Indenture.AC - hilarious cartoons for consulting company employees... ;-)

andersja 6/6/2002 03:16:55 PM

The Job Interview...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how in the world did you arrive at this answer?"

To hear her response to the question "How many D's are in Indiana Jones?"
Hum "Da da da daaaa, da da daaaaa, da da da daaaaa......" on the Indiana Jones theme...


andersja 6/6/2002 11:17:07 AM

Oh my God...

http://www.jboom.com/shite-price/


andersja 6/6/2002 11:14:11 AM

Design flaws...

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world your reward is you can hang out with anyone in heaven".

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God".

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
Arthur than asked God "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said "Ah, yes".

"Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:"

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion,
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds,
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much,
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "but, according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

andersja 6/6/2002 11:01:54 AM


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